They say when a matter goes beyond crying, you start laughing. I suspect that matters in our country are approaching the point where our people will have to find the heart to laugh about our issues. Good business for Ali Baba, Gbenga Adeyinka and Co!
Amodu’s (E)Scapegoats!
Have you heard the latest from Shuaibu Amodu, the “coach” we excavated from somewhere and put in charge of our “Super” Eagles as we seek qualification for the 2010 World Cup in South Africa? Amodu has essentially issued a negative “earnings forecast” implying that we may not be able to qualify due to the quality of boys available to him. Reminds you of the student who when his grade is A claims to have earned it, but when it is D says that is what the teacher gave him or the workman who blames his output on the quality of the tools. Didn’t Amodu boast at the end of the last round of qualifiers that he would win all the next round of qualifying matches? When did he re-evaluate the quality of boys? What is the NFA waiting for? Isn’t it time to look for a coach who can do the job? Okay, maybe NFA means “No Future Ambition”?
FG’s “Plans” to Help Nigerians
There have been reports in the media of “plans” by the Federal Government of Nigeria to come up with a “stimulus” package to help Nigerians in response to the global economic meltdown. I like this government. Unlike the governments of US, Britain, Japan, China, Russia and other global economies (including the stupid G20 people who didn’t invite us to their useless meeting), Nigeria’s government plans well before introducing any measures. Noted economists all over the world indeed have confirmed that the global crisis persists because those governments did not plan well before introducing various measures. Nigeria’s plans when they are eventually implemented will show the whole world how to respond to a global meltdown. I am sure the plans will be implemented before the meltdown is over!
Rebranding Corruption
Professor Dora Akunyili will soon put to shame all the enemies of her revolutionary rebranding Nigeria campaign. That is one of the benefits of putting a scientist in charge of the information ministry-she has already carried out a simulation using both empirical data and logical analysis and has discovered a simple solution to Nigeria’s problems. Simply rebrand the country. Good People, Great Nation….and eureka all our problems disappear! While she’s at it, I will like to suggest she also rebrands corruption which is one of the problems the world has with Nigeria. Let’s stop wasting our time fighting corruption. Just rebrand the thing! We can call it “elite stimulus package”, “government employees’ voluntary pension programme” or “privileged citizens’ capital accumulation scheme” and defend it vigorously as Nigeria’s own contribution to social security, poverty alleviation and pension structures. Go Dora Go. Your place as a Nigerian living legend is assured once you implement this bold and innovative strategy.
And Ekiti “Elections”
Dora can also rebrand election rigging and violence. She has a live test case in Ekiti which can be used to propound a new hypothesis. She can start by repeating the claim that elections in Nigeria are a unique enterprise-different from the ones in Ghana or South Africa. I must confess I don’t know how exactly she will prove her case, but I’m certain her cabinet colleague Ojo Maduekwe can assist her.
Problem Has Changed Name (PHCN)
A rebranding of a different sort is ongoing in the power sector. I was one of those who was relieved that an “energy economist” with previous experience working on a private sector strategy for the power sector at the BPE had been appointed power minister. Well the gentleman’s views on how to transform Nigeria’s power situation has apparently undergone a make-over. In an interview with Toyin Akinoso in Africa Oil and Gas Report, the minister, Lanre Babalola has apparently chosen PHCN autonomy as a substitute for privatisation. When asked about the 414 expressions of interest for investors interested in the seven generation and eleven distribution companies, the response went something like, “Even without the desire to sell, you have to run things differently…” His new strategy is like having a minister for communications in 2001 who rather than allow MTN, Glo, Zain and co invest in telecommunications chose to focus on improving efficiency in NITEL! He advises Nigerians not to be “fixated” on privatisation and he declines to answer a question on when the private sector will be allowed into the power sector. The minister has obviously received firm instructions from the Power Holding Cabal of Nigeria!
Our Father Who Art in Heaven
The last time some correspondents asked ex-President Obasanjo about a solution to our power problems, he indicated that we should pray to God about it! The old man was on to something there. But it’s not just about power that our salvation lies with God. It is now clear that we should pray about everything-Nigeria’s qualification for South Africa 2010, economic meltdown, corruption, electoral reform, Niger-Delta, infrastructure, crime and insecurity, unemployment, education, health…everything. General Gowon, over to you…Let Nigeria Pray!
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