Adamawa Amusement Park

Lagos is too dry my brother. The governor is too serious. He’s not providing any entertainment, unlike many of his colleagues. He is not even sleeping. Where did Asiwaju find this one Oh? Too, too serious! Since he came in, no fun, no amusement, does he not know that all work and no play, will make Lagosians dull people? Anyway he plays football sha. Well even if he tried to create fun, Lagos people no go laugh. Traffic is too bad! Whether VI, Lekki, Ikorodu Road, Ikorodu Town, Festac, Apapa-na go slow (and armed robbery) full am. No wonder the guy man no dey laugh! Afamako work! Let’s leave him to do the work jare! So we can laugh later. But the First Lady looks quite nice…and so does her smile.

I don’t know what’s going on in Abeokuta these days. Too many “ogbologbo” dey there. Baba Iyabo dey there. Ibikunle Amosun, Segun Osoba, Dipo Dina, Titi Ajanaku all dey there. And Gbenga Daniel still dey there oh. I think a “cold war” is what is going on! But plenty women dey there oh, to cool temper-Deputy-Governor, Speaker, Commissioner(s), Special Adviser, even Ambassador na women oh. OGD, na waoh! Gender sensitivity! Any way like god father, like god son! Give Yeye my deepest regrets. One is company, ten is a large crowd! Anyway the Governor is too busy to notice them-busy building the cargo airport! Ride on OGD.

Ibadan the land of Adedibu and Amala. And Akala! That is the fellow occupying the office Chief Awolowo and Chief Bola Ige once occupied. Eemo wo’lu! Anyway he was a distinguished policeman! And he is a Christian. I was reading the other day that being a policeman and being a Christian are incompatible. You are either one or the other. Well na bad belle people talk am. The police is your best friend, and counselor even. Well the only thing going in Ibadan is strike…, and fighting. Not two-fighting, one fighting everybody! As in Baba Adedibu fighting Ladoja, Adeojo, Olubadan, Chief Kuye, Iyalode, one Mr Oladoja, (in fact) all Ibadan people (except Tokyo and the Gang), AC, ANPP. Even NAFDAC says Adedibu is fighting them oh. I have included a prayer point for Ibadan people in my daily prayers-God please enter into the minds of Tribunal people!

In Ekiti, the drama is over. The AC people in the House have collected their jeeps! Ija ti pari! That means the fight is over, for the uneducated. Ride on Governor Olusegun Oni. Wise man. Now that the Honourables have jeeps, and the Obas have gone to London, will you send all Ekiti indigenes to the Holy Land? That is dividend of democracy! Over to Akure. Evil people say the only question is when, not if. I don’t know what they were talking about, but I sha know they mention Tribunal. But Eddy Olafeso is showing them oh. You know he sabi student union well well. That’s how he showed Soji Omole when we were in Ife. That time they did the election twice, in Ife oh, not Akure oh! Me I won’t talk about Osun oh. Oyinlola versus Aregbesola. Soja jam area boy! Akara mama throway!

They say I am a tribalist, talking about only funny Yoruba Governors. Okay what of Baba Theodore Orji in Abia? Real Baba. What is his official age? Bad belle. The Constitution did not talk about maximum age, only minimum. When he came in evil people say they saw him in white pants swearing for the other Orji. Yes the young Orji-yes Slok Orji. Didn’t you go to school? How can you not know Slok? Yes the accused. Actually both are accused. Baba Orji own better sha-from prison to state house, not from state house to prison! Keep quiet, don’t you want automatic promotion for all? Ride on Father!

Ikedi Ohakim is the reigning fine boy sha oh. He is greening Imo State. And grinning from Owerri to America. He certainly is not a “silent underachiever” like Achike. The first Lady sef na fine Lady. But there is no fun in Enugu oh. Chime do Chimaroke as Chimaroke do Nwobodo. The thing dey pain oh! Now Chimaroke will show Chime that Ebeano is different from other failed godfathers. There should be honour in the House of Ebeano, shouldn’t there? Well they say there is no first lady in Enugu, in line with Ebeano tradition, so policy continuity dey that one! And there is a new home movie-“War in Ebonyi: Anyim versus Egwu: Part 2”. Contact 77 Ebimpejo Lane or Senator Ahmadu Ali for the winner.

What is happening in “South-South”? Me I no know. All I know is that all the former godfathers have lawyers who are very busy. They have injunctions to file, aero planes to register, British Metropolitan Police to fight, AG to consult, press statements to write, Nuhu Ribadu….Oh God. Do not mention that name in the South-South. That name is persona non grata in the Niger-Delta. He is an enemy of “Resource Control”. Why should small Fulani boy from Adamawa be telling Ijaw, Urhobo, Ibibio and Rivers people how to control their money? Danburumba shege! Shege Nuhu Ribadu. Bla Bla Bla. (Note* A medical condition Nuhu Neurosis has just been discovered. Two Nigerian medical doctors-P Odili and E Uduaghan have been awarded the British Met DSP Prize in honour of their pioneering work in this regard. The AG has agreed to issue a patent. Symptoms include paranoia and extreme discomfort once the word “Nuhu” is mentioned).

Talking about Adamawa people, there is another medical discovery from Adamawa. If you want to avoid hypertension, stress, high blood pressure or other headache-inducing conditions, then visit the Adamawa Amusement Park. It’s a very large territory presided over by the Nigerian Navy, with help from the Owu Army and INEC. There is always enough laughter. A well-respected medical doctor, Ambassador, Senator, Vice Chancellor and Professor played a key role in the development of this park. Even the PDP has peculiar rules for this place. When they were conducting primaries all over the country, they didn’t bother in Adamawa. Same thing when they are choosing Ministers. There is usually no election in the Park. Just cancel all the opponents, and declare a walk-over, technical knock-out. And then demote the Deputy-Governor to Chief of Staff. Drama!

But there are rules. Do not come alone. Do not come with one girlfriend or wife. Come with several. You will allocate the twenty-four hours of the day into four six-hour slots and catch your fun turn-by-turn! Fine boy; no cheating. Don’t mind trouble makers. They want you to make a mistake so that there will be domestic crisis. So they can file impeachment motion or declare state of emergency. Foolish people. They don’t know marriage is politics! As we were going to press, I learnt the governor has appointed 700 Special Assistants! Excellent, that’s poverty eradication-1 Governor; 3 Senators; 4 Ladies; 21 Local Governments; 700 Assistants; one opposition “Honourable” said “taking away 700 jobless people from the street brings positive changes…it reduces youth restiveness, crimes and other social vices, so I want the governor to make more appointments”. Ride on Sailor! Soon every body in Adamawa will have a job. http://opeyemiagbaje.blogspot.com.