False Definitions

Easter is the season to celebrate the travail, crucifixion, death and resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ. It is the core and essence of the Christian faith-it is Jesus Christ’s resurrection that validates our faith in his second coming and the hereafter. It is not a time for anger, lamentation and vexation, so I decided it was better to laugh over our many problems as a nation! Stakeholders: The dictionary has two meanings for this word-“a person or company that is involved in a particular organisation, project, system etc especially because they have invested money in it” and “a person who holds all the bets placed on a game or race and who pays the money to the winner”. In Nigeria, the word has a slightly twisted meaning! Yes our “stakeholders” have “invested” money in the “game”, “race” or “project” and yes again, there is some sort of high stakes gambling going on, but here the word means something closer to “recognised co-conspirators” Consensus: Is supposed to mean “an opinion that all members of a group agree with”, but in Nigeria it usually means the exact opposite-an opinion that is imposed on members of a group by one or more powerful members! Principal: A word which usually implies a principal (a person you are representing, especially in business or law) and agent relationship exists. In our usage, it implies some form of sycophantic or crony relationship, usually rewarded with a share of “distributive” resources. “Carrying us along”: When civil or public servants, private sector employees or members of a group request their leaders, clients or “consultants” to “carry them along”, don’t imagine that they are interested principally in the finer points of policy formulation or progression of project execution. The phrase is a reminder that you should ensure the funds get to everyone in the manner agreed or expected to be shared! “To Move the Country Forward”: The implicit meaning here is-lets forget about the principles and ideals; and discard concerns about truth, justice and equity…and just move on since the current situation favours us (“us” doesn’t necessarily mean all Nigerians, but the speaker and the group he or she represents) Lobbying: Synonymous with “bribing” Reform: The meaning of this word is variable, depending on who is speaking! It may mean “reform” as defined in the dictionary (to improve a system or organisation) if used by a genuine reformer; It could also mean pretending to be improving a system or organisation when your real objective is to displace current beneficiaries of official rent, in favour of yourself or your cronies and associates. Foreign Investors: Also depends on who is speaking! When the speaker is the false reformer (see above), it means someone fronting for the speaker. Family Affair: Similar to “moving the country forward”, but usually refers not to country, but party! “One Man-One Vote”: To the best of my knowledge, this has never happened before in Nigeria! The closest we may have come to this strange phenomenon may have been on June 12, 1993, but otherwise we have also had one or more votes for children, cows, thumbs and fingers, fish, deceased persons, expatriates, chieftains, etc! In any event, at the collation centre (or somewhere between the “one-or-so-man vote” and collation centre), voting begins to be in hundreds, thousands or when necessary, hundreds of thousands! “Free and Fair”: The definition of “free and fair”, like beauty is in the eyes of the beholder!!! See “One Man-One Vote” above! Screening: This may refer to screening by the Senate, party or security agencies, but the requirements, implications and consequences are similar-if you are naïve about the process, your plans to partake in eating the good of the land may be cut short! It does not matter if you’re probably the best nominee on offer (ask Bode Agusto) or an incumbent governor (ala Timipre Silva). This process may in fact be the de facto election! National Unity: No one knows what this phrase actually means! It may be a complete fiction or wishful thinking, but it is a cliché you’re well-advised to learn if you must work in Abuja! Peaceful Co-Existence: This one is most definitely a fiction-“wetie” in the West; riots in Tivland; a bloody military coup; a bloodier revenge coup; pogroms and crimes against humanity; then a very bloody civil war; regular ethnic, religious and communal violence; post-election killings; fundamentalist terrorism and sectarian violence…certainly neither peaceful, nor co-existential! But don’t ever say so! If you think “peaceful bla blab la” is too much of a lie, then say “mutual co-existence”!!! Merit: This word is not in our dictionary! What does it mean? Capacity Building: An easy way to get money out of the national treasury, without having to account for it-since “capacity” is neither visible nor tangible, no auditor can establish whether you executed the contract or not! Welfare: Similar to “carrying everyone along”!!! Perhaps the Nigeria of these definitions died on Good Friday and a new and better one was born last Sunday? I hope you had a good Easter. I also hope you spent some time reflecting on how you could contribute towards making Nigeria a better nation.